Who's cuter?

Taking a cue from American television ratings, I've decided to pit Ann Coulter vs. Bill Moyers in one of the few ways that still gets attention: a beauty contest.

So, here we are. Welcome to the 2005 Pretty Pundit Pageant! Please welcome our final two contestants:



Ann Coulter (top) and Bill Moyers

In keeping with traditional, subjective Beauty Pageant protocol, we'll go straight for the most important feature of our two stunning contestants: their legs. See Ann's legs? They're pretty long and white. She's kind of pointy. Her feet look dangerous and witchy. Distorted for effect? Yes. Sexy? Well, yeah.

Bill's legs aren't in the photo he submitted for this contest, so we have nothing to go by. I've always imagined that Bill has some hot legs, but he loses this category due to his oversight in the photo department.

Ann: 1 Bill: 0

Next category: hair. Bill's hair is nice. A little fluffy, a little blow-dried, but nice. Well groomed. Is that hairspray or a light mousse? We'll never know.

Ann's hair is shiny and long. It is blond and flows like honey. But I think Bill should win in this category for doing such a nice job with what he has left to work with.

Ann: 1 Bill: 1

Makeup is the next category, and I know you all think that Ann's got this one wrapped up. She's a woman, right? I think it comes down to how they look at 5 a.m. when they wake up wrinkled from sleep, pale and powderless. Whose makeup made the most striking conversion from morning freakshow to publicity hottie? I think Bill wins again. After all, the man is 71 years old! Look at him, and think of your grandfather. Pretty good makeup job, right?

Ann: 1 Bill: 2

Public speaking is the final category and is worth two points because, while it may have less effect on a pundit's stardom than his or her dashing good looks, it's what lasts in the long run. Let's start with Bill:

Bill Moyers is a stand-up guy. He's a progressive icon. He deals with consumer issues through programs like Trade Secrets, a report on how the public's right to know the truth about health consequences of the chemicals around us gets compromised by the chemical industry. He reports on environmental issues, class warfare, economics, and writes really great, moving speeches like this one. He's a top-notch guy.

Now, on to Ann:

Most of the time, Ann makes no sense. None at all. Her writing is sophomoric and she is obsessed with the word that appears several times in every single one of her columns: liberal. She says it over and over again, scoring points with her following for the most nonsense bullshit I've ever read.

A prime example: In a recent column, she started in on liberals for taking issue with the fact that Catholicism doesn't allow for "girl priests." She asserts that women ought to stick with what they do best, "making men better people." Because men need that. They're all evil. Like this Brian Nichols crazy murderer she references to make her point. She says that Ashley Smith, the Christian gal who read to Nichols from the Christian book "A Purpose Driven Life" after he allowed her out of the bathtub he had bound her in, turned Nichols "from a beast to a brother in Christ." She said it was "a miracle."

Even if Ann's argument that Ashley Smith did something good for Brian Nichols is true, what she seems to be completely incredulous to is the fact that this story sounds like a ringing endorsement for the good work that "girl priests" could do. Way to go, Ann.

Bill wins this category. Hands down. And he gets 8 points. In fact, Ann loses the point she had earlier.

Final Score: Ann: 0 Bill: 10